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A Mama’s Hurting Heart

I think we can all agree that this past year has been a year for the books. I can’t think of a single person who has not been affected in some way by the storms swirling around our world. For me, it was the closest I have ever come to a complete physical and mental breakdown. I became very sick early on with COVID – and still have residual issues several months later, my son had the worst of his several surgeries this past year, my two month old Granddaughter became very sick and was hospitalized, I was dealing with immense stress at my job, and both my husband and I were struggling – quite literally I was falling apart (and sometimes still am).

I want to share just a bit about my son’s surgery because I know that was a tipping point for me. He was born with a cleft lip/gum. This particular surgery was the one where he would have his nose and upper gum/jaw completely reconstructed. What I didn’t realize (I am sure I was told), was that to break his nose, he would have small incisions on the inside of his upper nose. This would cause blood to get into his tear ducts.

When I walked into the hospital room after surgery (alone because only one person could be with him), he was literally crying tears of blood, and he was in the most pain he had ever experienced. He grabbed my hand with a grip I can’t even explain, and looked at me, as if he were still a little boy, with a look of desperation (his eyes literally filled with blood). I COULD NOT TAKE IT AWAY! My Mama heart literally broke.

When my husband and I traded places (I left and he came in due to the pandemic), I walked out into the parking lot, somehow made it to my car, and burst into tears. I was able to get a hold of my oldest son, Jake, but couldn’t even talk. I just cried!

I spent the next few months existing in survival mode. I minimized what I was dealing with because I just knew so many had it much worse. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer face this on my own. YES, I was praying, YES I was in my Bible and YES I was in fellowship with other believers. But I needed help. I can share honestly that there have been times this past year where I cried out asking Jesus to come back and take us home.

What I finally learned is, 1. It is OK to need help – and at times, professional help; 2. We need human touch and interaction – we need fellowship; and 3. At the end of the day, I am inherently human and I cannot survive without the hope and peace found only in Jesus Christ. Only HE could be my strength.

As I was in my Bible writing this, I realized I had opened right up to a couple of verses that spoke directly to my situation.

John 16:31-33 “Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. “I have told you these things, so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.”

Sweet sis – I am not alone, you are not alone. As hard as it can be at times, remember the ultimate victory has already been won and we can claim the peace that only Christ can give in even the most difficult times. Sometimes you can’t think or speak – it is ok to just BE held!

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